There was once a time in my life where I looked at things differently. I looked at the world in a way where I wasn't afraid and I didn't think people were in the world to hurt me or that by being involved with people I would be hurt. I miss those days. There has to have been a time when I wasn't so serious and I could just use my brain for things that produced much more beautiful things, but right now all I can think of is all the things that weigh on me everyday and how alone I feel...and how I have failed...I made so many mistakes that altered my life and my chances to live the life i needed to live and with my unhappiness internally I sought love hoped that I would be loved back, but I learned that no matter how much you love someone...it doesn't mean they will love you the same way, or do the same things for you in return. Your children, even though you try your best and do love them won't always see things your way or love you in return, people may turn on you to preserve themselves and there is nothing you can do about it. When I think about that... I get this overwhelming sense of aloneness. I had always hoped that those that were close to me knew that I was not someone who would leave them, I would be there etc. etc., but for me it has always been that the other person will be there...maybe and at a distance. I don't know if I am just projecting after all that has happened to me over the years. I think about where I am now and how I am trying to start all over again. I know when I was most happy and what I felt, but for him it wasn't the same, not reciprocated and even though the reasons that were given didn't involve me... now that I am alone...completely.... I don't think the reasons are the ones I was given. So what is the truth?

I have to think about what I want... what I really want deep down. Right now I feel like giving up because there doesn't seem to be any way to get to where I have wanted to be and without the people I love...what is the point... I just don't know.