Just Because

Just because something is complicated doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.

Just because you say so, doesn't make it so.

Just because you didn't love, doesn't give you the right to order everyone else to do the same.

Just because you feel good at the time, doesn't make it right.

Just because you say your sorry, doesn't mean you really are.

Just because you apologize, doesn't make the other person healed...actions are what save souls.

Just because you don't want it anymore and have changed your mind, doesn't mean everyone else has to accommodate your new feelings.

Just because you claim to be something doesn't mean you are.

Just because you are scared doesn't mean running away is the answer.

Just because you repeat yourself, doesn't make the message clearer.

Just a quick one...because insomnia seems to be my new friend. Life here is continuing, trying to find my place here as we all do in this world. I feel more at home in the city, for now, but much is unresolved. I'm not sure where I am headed which leaves me unsettled. Maybe this is why sleep is so reluctant to find me?

There was once a time in my life where I looked at things differently. I looked at the world in a way where I wasn't afraid and I didn't think people were in the world to hurt me or that by being involved with people I would be hurt. I miss those days. There has to have been a time when I wasn't so serious and I could just use my brain for things that produced much more beautiful things, but right now all I can think of is all the things that weigh on me everyday and how alone I feel...and how I have failed...I made so many mistakes that altered my life and my chances to live the life i needed to live and with my unhappiness internally I sought love hoped that I would be loved back, but I learned that no matter how much you love someone...it doesn't mean they will love you the same way, or do the same things for you in return. Your children, even though you try your best and do love them won't always see things your way or love you in return, people may turn on you to preserve themselves and there is nothing you can do about it. When I think about that... I get this overwhelming sense of aloneness. I had always hoped that those that were close to me knew that I was not someone who would leave them, I would be there etc. etc., but for me it has always been that the other person will be there...maybe and at a distance. I don't know if I am just projecting after all that has happened to me over the years. I think about where I am now and how I am trying to start all over again. I know when I was most happy and what I felt, but for him it wasn't the same, not reciprocated and even though the reasons that were given didn't involve me... now that I am alone...completely.... I don't think the reasons are the ones I was given. So what is the truth?

I have to think about what I want... what I really want deep down. Right now I feel like giving up because there doesn't seem to be any way to get to where I have wanted to be and without the people I love...what is the point... I just don't know.

Wandering In NY

I've been spending a lot of time just wandering in NY, in a dream-like state...usually with a soundtrack from my iPod providing the backdrop to each feeling as I walk down each street or meander through Central Park.

I've started to do some of the things I never was able to do the last few times I was here, like take a dance class or explore the city in places that I have been to, but didn't have the time to just absorb. Yesterday was one of those days where I let the city sink into my soul, dancing, music and then a trip to the Russian/Turkish Baths. I was in heaven. Sometimes I get sad, maybe because the last time I was here I was with someone I loved and had hoped that we would be back here together, maybe to live and now I am here alone. It's a different city than it was with him in a way, but I still fall in love with every street corner.

I met a new friend on the Fourth of July...very nice guy and now I have someone to have coffee with! I know, pathetic how excited I am, but I want to share time with someone...I have been so internal/disconnected when I am there... good to have someone to chat with. I am a social creature by nature after all:)

Pacific Northwest- I'm Back Again

Spending time here in Washington has been such a mixture of things. I look at the Summer loveliness of flowers blooming and swallows and robins darting through the tall grasses as I take a morning walk to the bay, kicking around pieces of seashells and looking across the water at the forest and islands far off in the distance...I feel a well of emotion stirring within me, both of incredible sadness and then in awe of so much beauty. There are old barns and fields of all kinds of bramble and I think about the time the kids will have here, how simple life will be in this place. I have always loved the crisp Pacific Northwest air and the green...all the green you see just looming up around you. People appreciate a bit of sunshine and the chance to not have to wear a coat or a sweater...it is a treat that in California we take for granted.

Suddenly though, I am pulled out of my dreamy state as I walk back to the house where I am a guest...or even a threat... and interact with the man I once called my husband and realize...this place is simple, but the life here, the details will never be. I am leaving my children with him and the drama that I have had to be patient through for the past few days. Am I really being selfish for needing quiet time here with the kids, without the new family in the way? One way or the other I am holding my ground, I need this time with my children...I need to know they are safe here.

The Beginning

They say the start of a journey is always the hardest. Maybe it's because of what you leave behind, or maybe it's because the uncertainty of what is ahead. I do know in my heart that I am truly loved here and leaving behind so many that I love is something that has been a very difficult idea to grapple with. So here I am one foot in front of the other, already in motion, walking, now faster and faster...toward the unknown. I hope that my journey will circle me back to my loved ones...I am so thankful for all of you.