Wandering In NY

I've been spending a lot of time just wandering in NY, in a dream-like state...usually with a soundtrack from my iPod providing the backdrop to each feeling as I walk down each street or meander through Central Park.

I've started to do some of the things I never was able to do the last few times I was here, like take a dance class or explore the city in places that I have been to, but didn't have the time to just absorb. Yesterday was one of those days where I let the city sink into my soul, dancing, music and then a trip to the Russian/Turkish Baths. I was in heaven. Sometimes I get sad, maybe because the last time I was here I was with someone I loved and had hoped that we would be back here together, maybe to live and now I am here alone. It's a different city than it was with him in a way, but I still fall in love with every street corner.

I met a new friend on the Fourth of July...very nice guy and now I have someone to have coffee with! I know, pathetic how excited I am, but I want to share time with someone...I have been so internal/disconnected when I am there... good to have someone to chat with. I am a social creature by nature after all:)

Pacific Northwest- I'm Back Again

Spending time here in Washington has been such a mixture of things. I look at the Summer loveliness of flowers blooming and swallows and robins darting through the tall grasses as I take a morning walk to the bay, kicking around pieces of seashells and looking across the water at the forest and islands far off in the distance...I feel a well of emotion stirring within me, both of incredible sadness and then in awe of so much beauty. There are old barns and fields of all kinds of bramble and I think about the time the kids will have here, how simple life will be in this place. I have always loved the crisp Pacific Northwest air and the green...all the green you see just looming up around you. People appreciate a bit of sunshine and the chance to not have to wear a coat or a sweater...it is a treat that in California we take for granted.

Suddenly though, I am pulled out of my dreamy state as I walk back to the house where I am a guest...or even a threat... and interact with the man I once called my husband and realize...this place is simple, but the life here, the details will never be. I am leaving my children with him and the drama that I have had to be patient through for the past few days. Am I really being selfish for needing quiet time here with the kids, without the new family in the way? One way or the other I am holding my ground, I need this time with my children...I need to know they are safe here.

The Beginning

They say the start of a journey is always the hardest. Maybe it's because of what you leave behind, or maybe it's because the uncertainty of what is ahead. I do know in my heart that I am truly loved here and leaving behind so many that I love is something that has been a very difficult idea to grapple with. So here I am one foot in front of the other, already in motion, walking, now faster and faster...toward the unknown. I hope that my journey will circle me back to my loved ones...I am so thankful for all of you.